If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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