sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
Randomize
