3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
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