No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
