Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
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