Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
I dont know how to respond to your rave picture. I mean yeah, he's hot, but it just seems wrong to be like "Please tell me you fucked that guy with the pacifier!"
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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