Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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