she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
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