I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Randomize
