i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Randomize
