I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
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