wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
