I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
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