We named our party play list daddy issues
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up�
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
