i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
Biggg time. I found 2 empty packages of extenze in my car this am.... not sure what that was all about
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
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