The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
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