We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
Randomize
