I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
Randomize
