We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
