she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
