i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
Why are your pants in the freezer?
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
Randomize
