Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
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