My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
