Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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