Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
Randomize
