My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
I met the friendliest cop last night
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
You are the jesus of drinking
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
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