She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
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