Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
