If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
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