Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
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