i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
Randomize
