worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
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