Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
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