if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
I won't apologize to a one balled man
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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