my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
Randomize
