I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
Is this the point in which we come to terms with our lesbianism or is that after you send me more ass pics...
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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