He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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