i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
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