Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
dude, she has braces
i meant the dude w the ponytail.
i was less creeped out when i thought you were talking about the 14 y.o.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
Randomize
