just got dressed up for chatroulette- THAT desperate.
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
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