Why. Ill be the rabbit if ull be the carrot.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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