Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
is it really this hard to find a guy i can fuck and have a good time with who doesn't ask where things are going btwn us?
you sound like my dream girl
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Randomize
