She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
I will pee on everything he values.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Randomize
