I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
Randomize
