My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
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