Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
Randomize
