Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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