I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
Wanna demo a makeout? Check box yes or no. Or maybe. Okay bye.
anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
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