Who did Billy Mays play for?
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
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