Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
Randomize
